This is my confession

I have vowed myself that I will never, ever make any kind of confessions here, in my blog. But I lost it. I couldn't help myself.

Oh, by the way, Selamat Hari Raya ke-10 to all muslims out there! Maaf Zahir dan Batin! Kite raya sebulan kan kan kan? So baru raya ke-10. Duit raya untuk saya takde ke? Hehe.

Okay okay, back to serious business. *making a serious face*

I admit it. I've been depressed lately. Since the big fight between my mom and I happened (seriously, it was a big fight) I've been down like hell. The celebration of raya couldn't make me any happier. Not even my upcoming birthday.

Don't even start by asking about work. I'm still jobless, and it feels like forever, waiting for the KPM interview result.

Family? What more to say. I've been living in a dysfunctional home for years. But the impact feels even greater because I've been stuck in this house for months doing nothing. I just need to get out of here.

My love life doesn't help either. We've been arguing throughout the year. This relationship makes me wonder will I ever have a future with him. I know I was being silly by asking him about marriage, future plans and stuffs (because we're still very young to even think about that) but I couldn't help myself when I saw some of my friends are moving on, they either get engaged or married. I know I'm not ready, but deep down in my heart I envy them for being happy while they are still very young. I was once against this kind of marriage, but not anymore. I just need someone (particularly a guy) to take me away from here, from this house.

But I guess I just have to wait. Or be independent by myself by moving out. I guess I have to go with the second option (once I have a job that is).

Marriage is out of question. And it is a long way to go. I probably won't be getting married to my current boyfriend anyway. Perhaps I will not get married at all.

I'm being pessimistic aren't I? Well, I guess I need help. I can't recall the last time I felt so happy. I was flipping through CLEO mag and found out that I've been suffering with depression while reading an article about depression (seriously, I got all the symptoms, yeah) Now I know why a therapist may come in handy. But I'll try to cope with it myself first.

So, this is my confession. Usher should be happy I made his song as my title.

Where for art thou?

Where for art thou?

Spirits which keep me going,

Spirits that keep me high,

As I need you so bad right now, not to feel like a dead walking zombie, 

Not to feel like a hopeless jobless loser with no direction of what I will be,

Just to feel alive, just to be who I wanted to be.

Where for art thou?

Youth which makes me both young at heart and soul,

Which gives me either diesel or petrol,

That fuel all the energy in the world.

I couldn't find you anywhere,

Where the heck are you hiding?

Please come back before my arse's exploding.

Where for art thou?

Friends who laugh and giggle together,

Friends who eat junks once the break is over,

Friends who gossip more than housewives,

Friends who secrets they swore with their lives,

Friends who made an amend,

That we will be Best Friends Forever.

Where for art thou?

Love, the subject of affection,

The subject of feelings and emotions.

Where are the fireworks, where are the sparks?

Are you hiding in the dark?

Find your way before it's too late,

Before it grows into a thing called hate.

P/S: Another rough draft of poem from yours truly. There is a deep meaning behind it. *sobs*

Kill Me in Your Dreams

Erk. The title itself sounds so cheesy and corny right?

Well, believe it or not, it was a poem that I wrote myself back in my school days 

(jumpe balik mase tengah mengemas)

I was a so-called emo/goth/punk/whatever you may call me, but I was not a wannabe or a poseur.

(Itu dulu lah, sekarang dah bertaubat. Dah takde label-label dah sekarang ye, harap maklum)

I was an emo, seriously, but now I'm still a rocker at heart la. 

Okay okay, enough about me, I'll leave you with a heartbreak poem, written by yours truly myself.

Kill Me in Your Dreams

Lately,

You've been ignoring me,

I don't know why,

Everytime I'm standing by,

You'll move an inch far,

Away from me.

If you don't miss me don't pretend that you do.

If you don't need me I will let you go.

Don't hide your lies beneath it all,

God I swear I will never trust you once and for all.

I can't take this anymore,

Why don't you just tell me,

You don't love me like before.

So I'm begging you tonight,

Kill me with all your might,

Kill me in your dreams,

So I won't wake up tomorrow,

So I'll be free from this pain and sorrow.

P/S: Not bad eh? Atleast it rhymes. :D

The Last Exorcism

Orang cakap, masa bulan puasa ni tak baik tengok cite hantu,
tapi tah kenape, aku rase teruja nak tengok cite ni.

Nampak cambest and lagi cuak (!) daripada Emily Rose (cite tu je yang aku dah tengok, cite exorcist lain tak sempat nak tengok lagi, bukan takut, cuma takde teman nak tengok :P)

Tengok la die siap bent hampir 180 darjah kot! Gile kentang hebat! 

Tah bile nak kuar kat Msia pun tatau, tengok trailer pun jadi la. Enjoy!

 

AMARAN KERAS: Bagi mereka yang mempunyai sakit jantung, sakit hati dan sebagainya dan mereka yang sedang sarat mengandung mahupun yang baru mengandung dinasihatkan untuk tidak menonton trailer ini. Tapi kalau berani ape salahnye. Tengok je la. Cuba dulu baru tau. ;)

Flash Forward

It should be about 2 minutes and 17 seconds, the blackout, the Flash Forward I mean, but I see nothing. 

Na-da.

You guys are probably wondering, what the heck am I talking about, kan? 

Well, if you're a TV series fan like me, and have watched Flash Forward before, you'll get what I mean. 

Flash Forward is like a vision that you will see yourself would be doing in the future.

My Flash Forward? It's nothing. So I guess I should create my own Flash Forward.

This is a list of SHOULD I BE ____? :

1. A TEACHER - If I passed the KPM Interview, I'm pretty sure I will become one. I have been offered a job as a chemistry teacher in a private school (yikes!) Should i take it? Or should I work with the government?

2. A LECTURER - If I want to become one, I have to further my masters, which I don't really know what course should I take and I definitely have to do a thesis or a project paper (mood: malas gile!)

3. A NOVELIST/WRITER - A washed up dream of mine, since I was a kid, but it is never too late to follow your dream, isn't it?

4. A MAID (or a bibik, as my gedik sister said) - I've already become one. My current unpaid job.

5. A BOOKSHOP/CAFE OWNER - Sounds too good to be true, but I have a dream of having my own bookshop with a cafe ala-ala Starbucks gitu. *smile dreamily*

6. A JOURNALIST - Too little too late for that I guess.
 

7. MARRIED and become A DESPERATE HOUSEWIFE? - It is totally out of question. But I simply can't resist if someone masuk meminang. Lai lai lai! :D

So, what's YOUR Flash Forward? ;)

Review: Chart Throb by Ben Elton

 I've finished reading this book by last week if I'm not mistaken.

To sum it all up, I would say this book is hilariously funny and witty!

This book makes me wonder about the true colours of reality TV competitions. 

Everyone knows the fact that reality TV shows aren't real, but what about those singing, dancing competitions and such? Are they not real too?

No wonder Adam Lambert didn't win American Idol. *Sigh*

For all you book-lovers out there, if you're looking for a different yet a delightful read, I highly recommended Chart Throb, you will be laughing non-stop throughout your entire read!

Great job Ben Elton! You're officially one of my favourite fiction authors!

The Genius behind Chart Throb - Ben Elton

Will be continuing reading Lauren Weisberger's Everyone Worth Knowing. Toodles!

P/S: Oh yeah, to all bookish ones, you might wanna join the website - http://www.shelfari.com, it is a website simply for all of us bookaholics! :)

How I've missed you, Ramadhan!

(a quote from Baki Zainal)

I have missed Ramadhan too! And of course missing Syawal more! :D

I wonder, will I get duit raya just like previous years? Hurmmm.

I'm currently jobless, so I hope I will get SOME money. 

Just have to practice the look of the cute, sad looking Puss-in-Boots eyes. o.O

Feed me if you dare!

I hope in this holy month I'll get to puasa penuh. Green light all the way. Boleh ke? Haha.

Anyhow, Happy Fasting people! Selamat Berpuasa!